They say you have to put yourself out there. But are you enticingly presenting yourself to the world or are you coming on too strong to other people?
We all know how uncomfortable it is to deal with pushy people. We’d never want to subject anyone to such behavior. No one consciously sets out to be annoying or overbearing, yet it’s surprisingly easy to show that side of yourself when you’re dating. You may not realize it, but you may be getting a little too “in your face” to be attractive, thus, coming on too strong.
[Read: Love-bombing: What it is, how it works, and 21 signs you’re being manipulated]
You may have a mental image of what it means to come on too strong. You’re probably thinking of a scantily clad woman showcasing her goods to her date. She may use suggestive language as she seductively bites her lower lip. Heck, she might even go for the unexpected crotch grab!
Unfortunately, this poor caricature of an aggressive woman is nowhere near accurate.
In the modern dating scene where subtlety reigns supreme, it may be easy for you to think that you’re being subtle, when in fact, you’re making your date feel like prey. And that’s exactly why it’s so easy to be oblivious to the fact that you’re being way too forward.
The Truth Behind Coming on Too Strong
Understanding the psychology behind coming on too strong in dating, it’s like peeling back layers of an onion.
Each layer reveals something new about why some people might push too hard or move too fast in a romantic pursuit. Let’s get into the nitty-gritty of what’s going on beneath the surface.
Attachment styles play a big role. Picture this: someone with an anxious attachment style might constantly text or want to spend loads of time together early on. They’re not trying to be clingy, it’s just their way of ensuring they won’t be abandoned. It’s like they’re saying, “Please don’t leave me,” without actually saying it. [Read: People always leave you? 20 ways to stop sabotaging your relationships]
Then there’s the fear of rejection. It’s a powerful force and can make people act in ways they wouldn’t normally. Think about it like a defense mechanism. By coming on strong, they might believe they’re taking control of the situation. It’s their way of avoiding the dreaded “What if they don’t like me?” scenario.
Societal and cultural influences can’t be ignored either. Depending on where you’re from or the media you consume, you might get mixed messages about how to act in love.
Some cultures or movies glamorize grand romantic gestures and falling hard and fast, which can skew expectations. It’s like being told, “This is how you show you’re really into someone,” even if it’s a bit much for most real-life situations.
And let’s chat about personal insecurities. They can drive people to prove their worthiness through their dating behaviors. It’s as if they’re using a loudspeaker to say, “Look how much I like you!” But in reality, they might just be trying to drown out their own doubts about not being good enough. [Read: Why am I so insecure? 41 signs & 51 ways to deal with insecurity & fix it]
The Warning Signs You’re Being a Little Too Aggressive Towards Your Date
Are you scaring your dates away before the check comes, unsure of what you’re doing wrong? Here are eight signs that will tell you if you’re coming on too strong.
1. E-inundation
Everyone loves the occasional call/text/tweet from an admirer. These quick messages not only show him that you’re thinking of him, but they also serve as an attempt to stay on a guy’s mind. In moderation, this gesture is sweet. In excess, e-inundation is just creepy.
When you blow up your date’s inbox after one or two excursions, you appear weak and needy. You don’t want to give anyone the impression that you’re desperate, especially your date. [Read: Am I texting too much? Signs they think you’re a clingy texter]
Dating guru David Wygant suggests asking yourself these three questions before reaching out:
– Are you reaching out to make or confirm plans? If the answer is yes, feel free to hit send.
– Does he respond to your messages quickly? If he takes a while to get back to you, now is the time to fall back.
– Has it been a few days since you last spoke? If so, he’s had the chance to miss you, and that “what’s up” text will seem sweet, not stalker-ish.
Remember, he approached you because you’re a strong, beautiful woman. No man is actively pursuing a stage five clinger. Don’t be that girl. [Read: 11 biggest dating turn offs for guys]
2. Pop-ups
Pop-ups are surprise visits to a friend/loved one’s home or workplace. Pop ups are also for people in serious romantic relationships. Showing up at your date’s office unannounced with a picnic lunch may sound thoughtful, but I assure you, he will think you are guano crazy.
If you’d like to avoid restraining order status, wait for an invitation to stop by. When a man misses you, he’ll tell you with an “I miss you,” here, or a “when can I see you?” there. Trust me, if he’s into you, a pop up on your part won’t even be necessary. You’ll probably be on the receiving end of his advances.
3. Aggressive Flirting
Who among us doesn’t enjoy the art of flirtation? Of course, flirting is the fun, sexy foundation of dating. There’s nothing wrong with flirting with your date. If your flirtation turns to groping and heavy sexual innuendo, as a lady, you will run into trouble.
While flirting is a big part of dating, most guys would genuinely like to get to know you better. By laying your Lolita on too thick, you prevent him from learning who you are. He’ll become frustrated and ultimately disinterested. Hello, sixteen unanswered texts. [Read: 23 needy signs you’re too available to someone and it creeps them out]
Conversely, you may encounter a gentleman who has no interest in getting to know you as a person. He may interpret your super cheeky behavior as an invitation to get freaky. In the event that you let things go to the bedroom, you’ll have given him everything he wanted, and no reason to ever answer your calls again.
It sounds cheesy, but there’s nothing wrong with leaving something to the imagination. Men love a bit of mystery, so keep your sexy subtle. He’ll be intrigued, and your dignity will be intact. Everyone wins. [Read: 30 flirting moves to try on a guy you like]
4. Staking Your Claim
The “where is this going?” talk can be the first step toward a long, healthy relationship. However, having such a discussion after only a few dates can be the kiss of death.
As much as you enjoy his company, if you’ve only been on a few dates, this loaded question puts your crush under way too much pressure. You’re also doing yourself a disservice.
Think about it: what if he says, “Let’s be together,” then turns out to be a complete spaz? Now, you’re sweating in a hell of your creation, because you couldn’t be cool.
Instead of freaking him out, relax, have fun, and let things progress naturally. If you’d still like to be exclusive after a few months, but he hasn’t brought up the topic, feel free to speak your piece. [Read: Hopeless romantic: What it means, 28 signs you’re one and the big struggles]
5. The Aisle Six Shuffle
Similar to the pop-up, the aisle six shuffle involves frequently “bumping into” your date at his favorite grocery store/coffee shop/jock strap boutique.
Running into him every once in a while at a place you both frequent is one thing. But stalking his Insta-flick locations, then showing up at a bar three cities over because you were “in the area,” is another.
If the aisle six shuffle fits your M.O., we’d like to let you in on something: you are setting yourself up for a world of pain. How will you feel when you see him sitting with his friends, pointing at you and telling them, “That’s the crazy chick I’ve been telling you about. Yup, the one who won’t leave me alone?”
I’ll do you one better: How will you feel when you see him sitting at the table with his arm around someone who’s actually captured his interest? That’s the thing about coming on too strong— you can’t make anyone maintain their interest in you. If he’s not into you, there’s nothing you can do but move on. [Read: 33 best places to meet attractive and eligible men]
6. Baby Talk
What would you say if a complete stranger approached you on the street and asked you to marry him or be the mother of his children?
No matter how attractive he appeared, you would be uncomfortable and apprehensive to say the least. The only difference between this scenario and a family planning convo during a date is the setting.
You don’t want to freak your date out. Telling him he’d make a great father on your first outing is a surefire way to do just that. Not only will you come across as creepy, but you’ll inevitably make yourself too available, which is a sign of desperation. Remember, you’re too strong and too cute to be desperate.
Don’t discuss getting married, having children, or moving in together on your first few dates. As a matter of fact, you shouldn’t talk about having children or joint living spaces, until you’ve dated exclusively for quite some time.
7. Monopolizing Their Time
There’s a euphoria that comes with finding someone you truly like. You enjoy the way you feel when you’re around them and crave that feeling in their absence. That said, your date is his own person with his own friends and interests. Demanding that he spend all of his time with you, especially in the beginning, is a big no-no.
There’s an old saying that rings true in instances where couples spend too much time together: “Familiarity breeds contempt.” What that means is the more time you spend with one another, the faster you’ll grow tired of each other’s unfavorable little idiosyncrasies. [Read: How much time should a couple spend together? 24 clues to YOUR perfect number]
Also, if you’re making a fuss about spending all of your time with your crush, you’ll give him the impression that you don’t have a life of your own. Loneliness + clinginess = neediness, which you already know is a huge turn-off.
The best piece of dating advice I ever received was this: don’t make yourself too available. Occupy your time with friends and activities that make you happy. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. You’ll be on cloud nine after your break. [Read: The best effective ways to stop being needy and insecure]
8. Too Much Too Soon
No one is perfect, and everyone has skeletons in their closets. Anyone in a strong relationship will tell you that honesty is an instrumental part of their bond. That said, you can be too honest too soon, and your first date is no country for tales of your sordid past.
It’s easy to let your words flow when you find someone you can connect with on a personal level. Disclosing your secrets, vulnerabilities, or sins from past relationships will make your date uncomfortable and encourage him to look at you in a different light. You want to put your best face forward, not send him running.
Dr. Gerry Heisler, Ph.D., recommends waiting six months before spilling your soul. If the two of you are meant to be, you have plenty of time to get to know one another. If not, you know that your secrets are still safe. In either instance, there’s no need to rush.
[Read: How to flirt without really flirting]
9. Over-Enthusiastic Planning
If you’re already planning your next ten dates, or even worse, imagining your future wedding, you might be coming on too strong.
It’s great to be excited about someone, but mapping out your entire future together can be overwhelming. It’s like showing up to a first date with a calendar and a pen ready to schedule every moment. Remember, part of the fun is the journey, not just the destination.
10. Gift Overload
Showering your date with extravagant gifts or constant surprises early in the relationship can be a bit much.
It’s sweet to give a thoughtful present, but if you’re regularly turning up with something that screams “I spent my entire paycheck on this,” it might come across as trying too hard. Balance is key – it’s the thought that counts, not the price tag. [Read: 34 best gift ideas for your boyfriend he’ll love more than you know!]
11. Social Media Overkill
If you’re constantly liking, commenting, and tagging them in every post since 2007, you’re likely coming on too strong.
Social media interaction is normal, but there’s a fine line between showing interest and appearing like you’ve done a deep dive into their online history. Keep your interactions online as balanced as they are in person.
12. Constantly Talking About Exes
If you’re frequently bringing up your exes in conversations, it might signal that you’re coming on too strong.
It’s okay to discuss past relationships at some point, but if every chat turns into a walk down memory lane with your exes, it can be off-putting. Focus on the person you’re with, not the ghosts of relationships past. [Read: Friends with an ex: 56 reasons, signs when it’s okay or not & more secrets!]
13. Planning Activities Without Their Input
If you’re always the one deciding what to do, where to eat, or even what they should wear, it’s a sign you’re taking control rather than cooperating.
It’s essential to involve your partner in decision-making. Relationships are a two-way street, and bulldozing over their choices can make you come across as overbearing.
14. Rapid Introduction to Friends and Family
If you’re already planning a big meet-up with all your friends and family after just a few dates, it might be another sign of coming on too strong. It’s natural to want your new interest to be part of your wider circle, but doing so prematurely can put unnecessary pressure on the relationship.
While it’s great to be proud and excited about your new partner, pacing the introductions can help keep things comfortable and relaxed. [Read: Meeting your boyfriend’s parents: 23 dos, don’ts & tips to impress them]
15. Expecting Reciprocal Introductions
Along the same lines, if you’re not only introducing them to your inner circle but also expecting them to do the same quickly, it can be overwhelming. Relationships progress at different paces for everyone.
While you might be ready to shout your new love from the rooftops and have them meet your third cousin twice removed, they might prefer a more gradual approach. Respecting each other’s comfort levels with these introductions is key to a balanced and respectful relationship.
Ways Coming on Too Strong Can Ruin Things
Curious about how coming on too strong can possibly put a damper on a budding romance? Well, it’s a bit like adding too much salt to a dish – it can overpower all the other flavors.
In the world of dating, being overly forward or intense can have similar effects, turning what could be a beautiful thing into something less palatable.
Let’s take a closer look at ten ways coming on too strong can unintentionally put the brakes on a promising relationship.
1. Creating Pressure
When you come on too strong, it can feel like pressure on the other person. They might feel like they need to make quick decisions about the relationship, which can be pretty overwhelming. The pressure can lead to discomfort and a desire to back off.
2. Diminishing the Mystery
Part of the excitement of new relationships is the mystery and gradual discovery. But if you lay all your cards on the table right away, there’s not much left to uncover. Keeping some things back initially can add to the allure and interest in a relationship.
Remember, if you’re in the early stages, you’re still in the ‘getting to know each other’ phase. This period is all about exploration and learning bit by bit. It’s a time to savor the process of discovering new aspects about each other, rather than rushing to reveal everything at once.
Pacing yourself not only maintains the intrigue but also allows the relationship to develop a solid and more meaningful foundation. [Read: How to be mysterious & leave everyone smitten and craving for more]
3. Setting Unrealistic Expectations
If you’re showering them with too much attention or lavish gifts early on, you might be setting the bar unrealistically high for the future.
Relationships need room to grow and evolve naturally. We’re not saying be stingy or hold back on showing affection, but it’s about finding a middle ground.
It’s important to express interest and care in a way that’s sustainable over the long term. By doing so, you allow the relationship to develop organically, creating a more authentic and lasting bond.
4. Ignoring Their Comfort Zone
Everyone has their pace in a relationship, and coming on too strong can mean you’re not respecting their boundaries. It’s important to sync up with each other’s comfort levels. [Read: Powerful steps to break out of your comfort zone]
Think of it as a dance – if one person is ready to tango and the other is just warming up with a slow waltz, someone’s going to get their toes stepped on.
5. Overwhelming Them with Attention
Bombarding someone with messages, calls, or plans can quickly go from sweet to smothering. While it might seem endearing at first, a constant stream of attention can soon feel overwhelming. This kind of over-enthusiasm is often linked to love bombing, a term used when one person showers another with excessive affection and attention as a means of gaining control or significantly accelerating the pace of the relationship.
While the intent might not always be manipulative, it’s important to be aware of this pattern. Balance is key to ensure that your attentions are well-received.
Show that you care without making the other person feel like they’re at the center of a relentless spotlight. By maintaining a respectful and measured approach, you ensure that your affection is seen as genuine and thoughtful, rather than overpowering.
6. Risk of Dependency
If you come on too strong, it can create a dynamic of dependency, where your happiness overly relies on the relationship. Healthy relationships are about interdependence, not dependence.
7. Skipping Important Relationship Steps
By rushing things, you might skip essential stages of relationship development. These stages lay the groundwork for a stronger bond. If you’re coming on too strong, there’s a risk of glossing over the little but important steps that solidify a relationship’s foundation.
For instance, taking the time to understand each other’s communication styles, learning about each other’s interests and backgrounds, and gradually integrating into each other’s social circles are all pivotal.
These might seem like small steps, but they are the building blocks of a deep and enduring connection. In your eagerness to move forward, you might miss these subtleties, like enjoying the simple pleasure of getting to know each other’s quirks or sharing quiet moments together.
These experiences, though seemingly insignificant, are where real intimacy and understanding are nurtured.
8. Creating a Superficial Connection
When everything is intense from the start, you might miss out on building a deeper, more meaningful connection. It’s the difference between a flash in the pan and a slow-burning flame. The latter is usually what sustains a lasting relationship. [Read: Infatuation vs love: How it feels and 28 differences & ways to turn it into love]
9. Scaring Them Off
Simply put, coming on too strong can scare people away. Imagine you’re a guy who’s only known this girl for a couple of weeks, and she’s already talking about future holidays together, meeting the family, or moving in.
It’s a bit like someone offering you a lifetime gym membership on your first visit to the gym – it’s overwhelming and premature.
Keeping things light and easy-going at the start gives the relationship room to breathe. It allows both people to gradually feel comfortable with each other without the pressure of overly serious commitments too soon.
10. Misrepresenting Yourself
In your eagerness, you might present a version of yourself that isn’t entirely accurate. The person you’re dating might start seeing you as someone who is always intensely eager or overly emotional, which may not be a true reflection of your entire personality.
This can lead to a skewed perception. If you’re always in ‘impress mode’, they might miss out on the more relaxed, genuine, and multifaceted person you truly are.
In the long run, this misrepresentation can create a gap between how you’re perceived and who you really are, leading to potential misunderstandings or disappointments when your true self starts to emerge.
It’s important to remember that honesty and authenticity are key in building a relationship that’s based on real understanding and genuine connection.
Tips for Slowing Down Without Losing Interest
Okay, so now you’re probably wondering, “How do I make sure I’m not coming on too strong?” It’s a fine line to walk – showing interest without overwhelming someone. Let’s dive into some practical tips to help you find that sweet spot where you’re engaged but not overbearing.
1. Practice Patience and Mindfulness in Dating
Take a deep breath and remind yourself that good things take time. Rushing can lead to a forced connection that lacks depth.
Treat each date as an opportunity to learn more about the person, not as a step towards an immediate relationship. Being present at the moment allows you to enjoy the experience without the pressure of where it’s heading. [Read: 24 secrets to be patient in a relationship & avoid risking a new love]
2. Focus on Building a Genuine Connection Over Time
Good relationships need time to develop their full flavor. Spend time getting to know each other’s likes, dislikes, hopes, and dreams. This process can’t be rushed. It’s about valuing quality over speed in the journey of getting to know someone.
3. Engage in Self-Reflection
It’s important to understand why you might be inclined to come on too strong. Are you afraid they’ll lose interest, or are you often anxious in new relationships?
Understanding your own patterns and motivations can help you adjust your behavior. Self-awareness is a big step in maintaining a healthy dating approach.
4. Seek Feedback from Trusted Friends or a Therapist
Sometimes, an outside perspective can be enlightening. Talk to friends or a therapist about your dating style. They might provide insights into your behavior and offer advice on how to relax a bit more in your romantic pursuits.
5. Maintain Your Individuality
Keep up with your hobbies, interests, and social life. This not only gives you more to talk about but also helps prevent your world from revolving entirely around your dating life. A well-rounded life is attractive and it helps you to stay grounded. [Read: Sense of self: What it is, 36 signs, tips & steps to raise it and feel great]
6. Balance Communication
It’s great to stay in touch, but constant texting or calling can be overwhelming. Find a rhythm in communication that feels comfortable for both of you. It shows respect for each other’s space and life outside of dating.
7. Set Realistic Expectations
Remind yourself that not every date will lead to a long-term relationship, and that’s okay. Approach dating with curiosity rather than expectation. It helps in taking things one step at a time and enjoying the journey.
8. Plan Dates Together
Instead of always taking the lead, involve your date in planning. It ensures that both parties are equally invested and comfortable with the pace and nature of your outings. It’s a cooperative approach that can make both of you feel valued and respected.
9. Respect Their Boundaries
Respecting someone’s boundaries goes a long way in building trust and a healthy relationship. Like we mentioned earlier, paying attention to both verbal and non-verbal cues is crucial.
If your date seems uncomfortable with certain topics or the pace at which things are progressing, it’s a clear signal to take a step back.
Respecting their boundaries isn’t just about avoiding topics or slowing things down, it’s a sign of deep respect and understanding. It shows that you value their comfort and feelings as much as you value your own. [Read: Boundaries in a relationship: 43 healthy dating rules you MUST set early on]
When boundaries are honored, it creates a safe space for both individuals, where trust can grow and a genuine connection can be nurtured. Remember, a relationship is a two-way street, and both parties should feel heard, respected, and comfortable every step of the way.
10. Celebrate Small Milestones
Acknowledge and appreciate the little progressions in your relationship. Whether it’s learning about a shared interest or enjoying a particularly good date, these moments can be savored without pushing for the next big step.
It’s Easy to Miss the Signs That You’re Coming on Too Strong
Sometimes, in the whirlwind of dating and new relationships, it’s easy to miss the signs that you’re coming on too strong.
It happens to the best of us – getting caught up in the excitement and anticipation, only to inadvertently push a bit too hard. It’s a common misstep in the dance of dating, one that many of us don’t even realize we’re making.
While there are several ways to be coming on too strong, there’s honestly only one solution: calm down. We often come on too strong as a result of overanalyzing situations when we’re nervous, anxious or excited.
[Read: 20 non-pushy secrets to keep a girl or guy interested after the first few dates]
Stop for a moment, take a deep breath, and try to view your actions through a more objective lens. This simple act of mindfulness can make a world of difference. It helps you to moderate your enthusiasm, balance your approach, and maintain a healthy perspective in your dating life. By doing so, you’ll keep your date interested and engaged, creating an inviting space for the relationship to grow, instead of coming on too strong and risking pushing them away.
The post 35 Signs You’re Coming On Too Strong & Fixes to Stop Scaring a Date Away is the original content of LovePanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships.